Raging Bender/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Nominated For Three Glemmys. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around the table.]'' Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. I've taught the toaster to feel love. toaster bounds across the table, barking like a dog and licks Bender. He knocks it away and it hits the wall. Toast springs out of it. And Hermes returns from his vacation today. :Hermes. There is a Brain Slug attached to his head. It is a small green blob with one eye and two antennae. Hermes has a glazed expression. The others seem oblivious. Hermes: monotonous Good morning, people. Fry: Hey, Hermes! Zoidberg: Hello! Leela: Good to see you. Farnsworth: Yo! Bender: My man! :sits down. Amy: So how was the Spleef Nebula? Hermes: monotonous The flight had a stopover on the Brain Slug Planet. Hermes liked it so much he decided to stay of his own free will. Fry: Hermes has all the fun. Wait a second! He's got a Brain Slug on his head! Leela: whispering Shh! You're gonna get us all assimilated! Amy: whispering Just act normal and switch to a garlic shampoo. Hermes: monotonous On to new business. Today's mission is for all of you to go to the Brain Slug Planet. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there? Hermes: monotonous Just walk around not wearing a helmet. Farnsworth: Sounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say. nods and then leans in to the others. whispering Let's ditch him and go to the movies! Fry: Hey, yeah! :others agree. Zoidberg: I'm seeing a movie with friends! :get up and leave. Hermes drones. :['''Scene': Outside Loew's Aleph-0 Plex. Some of the movies showing are It Came From Planet Earth, Shaft On Africon-9 and When A Man Loves A Smizmar. The gang look at some others that are advertised outside. Fry points at a Galaxy Wars poster, which resembles Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.] '''Fry': Cool! Let's see this one! Leela: Nah. I'm not in the mood for a historical documentary. I've heard good things about Quizblorg, Quizblorg. :points to a poster which features two smartly-dressed green blobs picnicking on green grass. Amy: Guk! I hate subtitles. Alien films are so pretentious. Zoidberg: Fellows! Fellows! How about a film we can all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams. [He points to the films poster that parodies ''Planet Of The Apes except with Decapodians and bipedal clams riding bareback on horses.]'' It's about an upside-down world where lobster is slave to clam. Bender: Who invited you? Let's just see All My Circuits: The Movie. Fry: Yeah, I wanna see that. :others agree. Bender: Good point, Bender. :['''Scene': Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Refreshments. A robot with flashing zits stands behind the counter.]'' Fry: I'll take a small Slurm. Refreshment-bot: For only 25 cents less, you can get a super-small. Fry: Uh, OK. robot puts a tiny cup under the machine and it fills with a drip. Fry takes it and walks away. He trips and it spills onto his shirt. Oh, man! Bender: Hey, gimme a large diet malt liquor and a popcorn with extra motor oil. :robot pumps oil onto the tub of popcorn. :['''Scene': Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Auditorium. Farnsworth sits in the front row.]'' Farnsworth: Down in front! :others are sat a few rows back. An old-fashioned black and white newsreel starts. Announcer: on screen Glagnar's Human Rinds presents: This Week In The Universe. :titles come on and show a biplane flying around a galaxy. Fry: sarcastic Ooh, this is real futuristic! :[The guys from ''Mystery Science Theater 3000 are sat at the other end of the row.]'' Crow T. Robot: Shh! Don't talk during the movie. Announcer: on screen This week in the universe: New New York mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer opens a new tube line to alleviate rush hour traffic. the movie, Poopenmeyer cuts a ribbon across a tube and the picture switches to people packed into another tube. The picture switches again to an alien army show. Dateline: Paramecium Homeworld. Newly-crowned Miss Universe Gladice Lennox entertains troops fighting to wipe out the human race. soldiers cheer. Go get 'em, boys! scene changes to a wrestling ring. And in the world of Ultimate Robot Fighting, the Masked Unit wins his championship bout against Gorgeous Gonks by technical melting. :Masked Unit throws the other robot to the canvas and melts him using eye lasers. Bender waves his arm in the air. Bender: shouting Go, Masked Unit! tall robot and a wide Fembot sit in front of him. The robot blocks his view. Uh, hey, buddy! Yo! whistles. You mind taking your head off? Robot: I'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch the movie. Bender: Just ask Flabby over here to describe it to you later. Robot: Sir, she is as the factory made her. Bender: Well they should have stopped making her about halfway through. :"Not Suitable For Aliens From Planet M-14" restriction comes up on the screen. Two three-eyed, three-legged aliens grumble and leave. The opening credits roll with a Bond-esque theme and titles with naked Fembot silhouettes and guns. Credits like "Directed by Directing Unit 4", "Written by Writing Unit 5 and Writing Unit 12 & Joe Eszterhas" come up. A Fembot dives off the end of a laser barrel. Fembot: movie Whee! :wipe opens on Calculon sitting in an office. Calculon: movie Well, that finishes this paperwork. phone rings and he picks it up. Calculon Enterprises. Monique: screen; in movie Calculon, a fight scene has broken out at the special effects warehouse. Come quickly before a fiery explosion chases someone down a hallway. :laser blasts hit a building behind her. Calculon hangs up. Calculon: movie I have no choice but to-- :scene freezes. Mr. Moviefone: in movie If you want Calculon to race to the laser gun battle in his hover-Ferarri, press 1. If you want Calculon to double-check his paperwork, press 2. Enter now. :Violent Lasergun Battle" and "2. Tedious Paperwork" appear on screen. Confused, Fry presses "1" on his chair. Mr. Moviefone: You have pressed 2. Fry: No, I didn't! Mr. Moviefone: I'm almost positive you did. :Lapse. Night has fallen outside. Calculon check his paperwork. Calculon: movie Add in the carryover from form 16A, then deduct line 2B... :kicks the back of the robot's chair. Robot: Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be inadvertently kicking my seat. Bender: mocking "Pardon me, sir, but you seem to be bleh, bleh..." Robot: Yes, that's the gist of what I said. Would you mind? Bender: Sure thing, pal. :carries on kicking the chair. Robot: Uh, sir? :flicks a kernel at the robot's head then turns around. Bender: shocked Who threw that? Robot: That's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs! :laughs as the robot transforms into what a muscular robot would look like if they had muscles. Bender: Oh, I'm boned. :robot shoots laser beams from his eyes at Bender. Bender ducks out of the way and the laser beams hit his seat. Other people run, screaming as the movie jams and the lights come back on. Hattie: Let's all go to the lobby! :still clutching his popcorn, runs from the robot as it tramples down seats. Bender runs across the front row of seats, past Farnsworth who hasn't moved, and stops when he reaches a wall. He drops his popcorn. The robot's voice is much deeper. Robot: I'm gonna open a file of whup-ass on you! :steps forward and slips on the motor oil and falls to the ground. He groans and shuts down. The others gather around. Leela gasps. Leela: Bender, do you know who that was? :opens a panel in the front of the robot. It is the Masked Unit. Man #1: Cripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked him out cold. :others gasp and murmur. Man #2: I'm impressed. :puts her arms around Bender. A man wearing a brown suit and a red tie with extremely bushy eyebrows pushes through the crowd. His name is Abner Doubledeal. Doubledeal: Son, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate Robot Fighting. I'm a connoisseur of jerks like you who pick fights in movie theatres and you're the biggest I've ever seen. Bender: You should see me at funerals. Doubledeal: Kid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot Fighting League. Bender: Ultimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant! I'll do it. :crowd cheers and waves. Flabby: My hero! :kisses him. Farnsworth still hasn't moved and wipes his eyes. Farnsworth: Aw. They don't make movies like this anymore. :blows his nose. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are gathered around Bender.]'' Bender: I'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot Fighter ever. Float like a floatbot, sting like an automatic stinging machine! Amy: Bender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot Fighter. It's the most brutal form of competition in the galaxy! Bender: It is? Farnsworth: There are no rules. Two robots enter, one robot leaves. Then later the other robot leaves after being declared the winner. Bender: Well, that doesn't sound so bad. Farnsworth: Oh, did I mention the crippling, agonising pain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes, definitely. Bender: Crippling pain? That's not covered by my insurance fraud! Count me out. Leela: No! You've got to do it. I don't care how suicidal it is. Fry: Hey! How come when I wanna do fun stuff that'll kill me you're against it? Leela: This is more important than that marble-eating contest, Fry! It's about pride. Let me tell you a story from my childhood. Zoidberg: Oh, again with the orphanarium! Leela: When I was growing up at the orphanarium, I got picked on a lot. :[''Flashback. A teenage Leela and some teenage boys are dressed in martial arts uniforms.]'' Leela: voice-over My only outlet was Arcturan Kung Fu. :Leela takes on two guys and floors them. Her teacher, a green alien called Fnog watches. Fnog: Excellent. Bill, Keith, you will go to Junior Championships. Bill, congratulate Keith when he regains consciousness. Leela: But, Master Fnog, I can beat these dorks with one eye closed. Fnog: Perhaps. But there is more to winning than beating your opponent. You lack the will of the warrior. Leela: What do you mean? Watch this! :kicks Bill in the stomach. Bill: crying Ow! Fnog: No girl has the will of a warrior. You have the will of a housewife or, at best, the schoolmarm. Leela: That's it. I'll take you on right now. Fnog: Very well. But, you see, I have the will of the warrior. Therefore, the battle is already over. The winner? Me! laughs. Rematch? You lose again! Had enough? I thought so! :and the other guys laugh. :[''Flashback ends.]'' Leela: I lost my chance to be a champion. I won't let you throw away yours. Bender: Leela's right! I don't wanna end up a loser like her. Count me back in! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. The table, chairs and water cooler have been moved to the window side of the room so there is an open training area for Bender.]'' Leela: Let's see what you got. Touch your toes. :reaches down but struggles. His torso snaps off at his waist and the top half of his body falls to the floor. He tries to reach his toes but is too far away. Bender: Still ... can't ... reach! :['''Montage': Leela does a spinning kick and indicates for Bender to try. He kicks his leg and it extends and wraps itself around his neck, choking him. Next, Bender does one-armed press ups, first with his left arm, then his right, and then with neither. A car jack comes out of his chest and pushes him up and down. He stands up.]'' Bender: Let's commence preparations for rumbling! :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers are packed for RobotMania XXVII. Leela rubs Rust-Oleum onto Bender's shoulders. The referee is an alien shaped like one of Kif's species but has black and white stripes running down his body.]'' Referee: Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, welcome to tonight's main event. In this corner, from Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in America's heartland, Mexico: Bender! holds up an "Applause" sign and the crowd cheers. And in this corner, from and made of Parts Unknown: The Clearcutter! :Clearcutter is a lumberjack robot with an axe on the end of one arm and a chainsaw on another. The other Planet Express staff are sat with Bender's fans. Fry: shouting Bender rules! Hermes: monotonous I got you an official Bender hat. :takes a Brain Slug out of his jacket and hands it to Fry. Fry: Wow! Thanks, Hermes! raises it to his head. I-- Hey! Cut that out! :hands it back. The fight bell rings. Bender: You can't hit what you can't see! :Clearcutter kicks Bender against the ropes. He bounces back and the Clearcutter hits him with the axe. He throws Bender down and Bender groans. Leela: Get up, Bender. You can't quit every time you get an axe in the back. Clearcutter drags him away from her, drills something and slams him back down again. There is now a hole in Bender's head. Or a drill through your face. Now quit scratching your axe-hole and get out there. :stands up again. The Clearcutter leans on the ropes, making them tense. He then cuts through the post and is catapulted towards Bender. Bender tries a flying kick. His leg wraps around his neck and the Clearcutter hits his footcup. The Clearcutter sparks and his head explodes, followed by the rest of his body. Bender looks at the flaming wreckage. Bender: Huh? Referee: And the winner is ... Bender! :holds up his severed arm. Bender takes it and puts it back in its socket. The crowd cheers. :['''Scene': Locker Room. Doubledeal walks in with Bender. Bender has a plaster over the hole in his head.]'' Doubledeal: Nice work out there, kid. Bender: Y'know, I think I he might be dead. I took a life! :cheers. Enter the Clearcutter, all in one piece. Clearcutter: Hi, boss. Yo, dude! Bender: Hey, he's not dead. What's up with that? Doubledeal: What, you didn't read the pamphlet? Ultimate Robot Fighting's a scam, kid. It's rigged. gasps. It's a secret, so keep it under your head, but the most popular robot always wins. Bender: You mean I'm not a great fighter? I just won 'cause I'm popular? Doubledeal: Bingo! Bender: Woo-hoo! I'm popular! Doubledeal: In fact, you're more than popular, you're pure lowest common denominator. :does a victory dance. Bender: Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender! :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden. Another fight.]'' Referee: Presenting Bender the Offender! Bender: I'm just an ex-con trying to go straight and get my kids back. :crowd cheers. Referee: Versus ... Billionairebot! :laughs in a snooty way. He wears a top hat and monocle and cash is built in to his hands. The crowd boos. The fight starts. Bender takes Billionairebot's watch from his pocket and wraps it around him, trapping his arms. He picks up a barrel from outside the ring with "Very Poor" written on it and puts it over Billionairebot. The crowd cheers. :Lapse. Referee: Versus: The Foreigner! :stereotypical Spanish robot turns to the crowd. Foreigner: I'm not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport! :he isn't looking, Bender grabs him from behind and stuffs the Earth flag in his mouth and kicks him out of the ring. :Lapse. Referee: Versus ... The Chain Smoker! :robot looks like a cigarette machine. The crowd boos. Chain Smoker: I love smoking. And after I win the fight I'm heading straight to your favourite restaurant. :blows smoke over the crowd. Bender takes a chair out of his chest cabinet and hits him with it then smokes a cigar :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Leela sits impatiently on the press bench tapping her foot. Bender walks in wearing a furry coat and with his arms around two Fembots.]'' Bender: You know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot Lover. :Fembots giggle. Leela: Bender! You're three hours late. You can't give up on your training now after both of us worked so hard. Bender: What do you mean, "we"? Leela: I said "us". Bender: Hey, Bender the Offender doesn't need you. Bender the Offender doesn't need anybody! Fembot #1: What about us, Mr. The Offender? Bender: Well obviously I need floozies! Let's roll! :walk out. :['''Scene': URFL Building: Doubledeal's Office. Bender walks in with the Fembots. Doubledeal is there along with Billionairebot, the Chain Smoker and the Foreigner.]'' Bender: Howdy, chief. For my next bout, what do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud? Doubledeal: Actually, we've decided to go in a different direction. Bender: What if I told your we wouldn't be fighting in the conventional sense? Doubledeal: Bender, your popularity is slipping. :holds up a chart with a red line pointing down. Foreigner: Sales of your Bender Brand French milk bath soaps are down 20%. :takes one and sniffs it. Bender: Those morons! I said pea berry, not sandalwood! Doubledeal: Damnit, Bender! If you can't move sandalwood, you don't belong in this league! That's why you're gonna lose next week's title match. Bender: But the crowd loves me. Doubledeal: Perhaps. But let's see how they feel about your new persona: The Gender Bender. :holds up a pink tutu with "The Gender Bender" written on it. Billionairebot: You'll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Faeces Processor. Bender: Oh, yeah? throws down the tutu. Well what if I don't let the new guy win? Doubledeal: Then he'll just have to beat you the old-fashioned way: To death! presses an intercom button. Melissa, send in the new kid. :shutter door slides open. A huge robot, covered in spikes, enters via the wall. Destructor: I am Destructor! :laughs maniacally. Bender puts the tutu on. Bender: squeaky See you at the fight. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch with the others around him.]'' Bender: So then I said, "See you at the fight." And that's the story. Fry: Man, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting was real, like pro wrestling. But it turns out it's fixed, like boxing. Bender: It's one thing to win a fixed fight; there's dignity in that. But to lose? And in this atrocity? I can't do it! Leela, you gotta train me to win. Leela: No way! If you wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it, why should I give it to you now when you do need it? Farnsworth: What the hell are you talking about? Leela: I don't know. But I'm not helping. :turns on the TV. Bender the Offender is standing on top of the world with the Earth flag waving behind him. Announcer: on TV You loved him as Bender the Offender! Now get ready to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona ... The Gender Bender! :picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig. He is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding a pink phone. Bender: on TV I'm a real toughie! Announcer: on TV Squaring off this Sunday versus Destructor! :picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone Destructor: TV I will destroy you! hangs up then picks up again. And stop calling me! :camera pans down to his feet where Master Fnog is standing. Fnog: TV I am Destructor's trainer, Master Fnog. My pupil will be victorious for he has the will of a warrior! :laughs. Leela: Not Fnog! Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm gonna teach you to fight like a girl! Bender: determined I'll put on my tutu! :['''Scene': Madison Cube Garden. Thousands have turned out for the championship bout where there is "no" gambling. The crowds cheer as Howard Cosell's voice introduces the fight.]'' "Cosell": Hello and welcome to a remarkable championship bout. Destructor, a robotic armoured tank, whose very use at battle has been ruled a war crime, versus Gender Bender, who wears a pink tutu. his Brain Slug, Fry and Leela are in Bender's corner. This is Rich Little, imitating Howard Cosell, here at ringside with George Foreman. George, a word in edgewise? Foreman: This could be the most one-sided fight since 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. M-My memory's not what it used to be but I think the entire Earth was destroyed. Little: Interesting, if true. The Vegas odds tonight stand at an unprecedented 1000-0; a bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000 if he wins. Still, very few takers. Foreman: It's not-not a smart bet. :the ring, Fnog does some last-minute training with Destructor. Bender punches the pads on Hermes' hands while Leela reads through the script. Leela: According to the script, you're supposed to prance out and tickle him with your fairy wand. Instead, I want you to prance out and kick his head off! Bender: Got it. Large kickle, hold the tickle! :throws some kicks and kicks off Hermes' Brain Slug. Hermes: Thank God I'm free of that nightmare! Bender: Sorry, buddy. Here you go! :puts it back on top of Hermes' head. Hermes: monotonous Thank you. It was cold down there on the floor. :Zoidberg and Farnsworth sit in the bleachers. Amy: Here, Professor, I got you a programme. Farnsworth: Oh, good. Just let me put on my reading glasses. puts on some glasses with super-thick lenses and opens the programme. His lenses rip through it. Why, Zoidberg, there's a lovely photo of you in here. :bell rings and the referee's mic drops into the ring. Referee: In this corner, the confused young robot with the golden curls. Weighing 525lbs: The Gender Bender! :crowd boos. Zapp: Boo! Nixon: shouting Get that hippie out of the ring! Referee: And in these two corners, weighing 400 tons, the gizmo from Pismo ... Beach, Destructor! :bangs his knuckles together. Leela rubs Bender's shoulders and Fnog arrives. Fnog: So, we meet again. Most amusing: Girl who acts like fighter training fighter who acts like girl. Leela: Keep laughing, Fnog! he does. He walks back to his corner. Ready, Bender? Bender: I was born ready! Gimme the bell! bell dings. Did you hear a noise? punches him across the ring. Bender gets up and snaps his wand then hangs his tutu neatly on a coathanger inside his chest cabinet. Final boarding call for flight 406, non-stop service to pain. kicks Destructor's shin but to no effect. Now boarding standby passengers-- :punches him in the head, knocking him flat against the floor. He tries to crawl away but Destructor grabs his legs and hits him against the floor. The crowd cheers. Foreman: This seems like as good a time as any time to bring up my new grill for no reason. to him, a grill grills five steaks. With its patented design, the fat drains directly into my mouth. :carries on killing Bender. Bender: weakly Fry! Throw in the towel! doesn't. For God's sakes, Fry! :turns around. There is a Brain Slug on his head. He drones. Hermes: monotonous That's exactly what I was thinking. :[Destructor stands Bender on his feet and punches him in slow-motion à la ''Raging Bull.]'' Bender: weakly Mommy! Leela: OK, Fnog, that's enough. Call him off. Fnog? is nothing but an antenna in Fnog's corner. Hmm. :stamps on Bender. Bender: Why won't anyone help me? :follows the cable under the ring. Fnog watches Destructor on a screen and controls him with a VR suit. Leela: So, once more we meet again. Fnog: Huh? Leela: You didn't train Destructor. You're just controlling him like a puppet. I mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's low! Fnog: Better than being a girl. Like you. You're a girl! :laughs. Leela: ironic Oh, right. Girls lack the will of the warrior! :kicks and punches at him. In the ring, Destructor starts mimicking Fnog's moves, holding his arms up to defend himself from no one. Bender gets up. Bender: Huh? It's bendering time! throws some fake punches. Take this. And this! Fnog: You were an excellent student. throws a punch but he grabs her wrist. Too bad I was a lousy teacher! :fights back. Destructor copies and beats up Bender some more Bender: I think you misunderstood the concept of "bendering time"! :has Leela on the floor. Fnog: See you in girl hell. I'll be in boy hell -- much nicer! :punches. Leela grabs his wrist and stops Destructor's punch. She looks at the screen and slams Fnog's fist into the ground. Destructor's fist comes through the canvas and knocks him out. Leela: Yes! Bender: Yes! falls on him. Oh! :referee counts him out and the bell dings. Referee: And the winner is Destructor! :crowd cheers. Little: I've not seen a spectacle of this nature in all my years impersonating a sportscaster. Foreman: It sure was some fight. Interesting side note: As a head without a body, I envy the dead. Little: No argument here. :Lapse. The bleachers have cleared. The Planet Express staff crowd around Bender who has been flattened. Fry: Bender? How did the fight go? I heard somebody got flattened! Amy: Fry, where's your Brain Slug? :picks up the limp alien from the floor. Farnsworth: Poor little guy starved to death. Leela: I'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you lost. You lost bad. But the important thing is I beat up someone who hurt my feelings in high school. :chuckles. Bender: I'm in tremendous pain here. :pushes through. Doubledeal: Great job, kid. You lost and you made it look almost half real. I want you to have this card good for 10% off at Bed Bath & Beyond. :puts it in Bender's chest cabinet and leaves. Bender: Yes! I'm the greatest! The greatest! :groans. Leela rolls him up and she and Fry carry him off. Little: And so ends the chronicle of one of the greatest ever to play the sport. Foreman: And he didn't look half bad in the tutu. Little: That he did surely not. Foreman: What? :Credits. Category:Season Two Scripts Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts